*Please note this is a work of satire.

Memorial Hall Museum
Deerfield, MA

Spring, 2021

Dear Staff,

Thank you for all of your hard work preparing Memorial Hall Museum for opening this season. As we get ready to open the doors for our 141^st year, I want to update you on a few changes throughout the museum.

Our efforts to immerse visitors in historical experiences are ongoing. To this end, we recognize the historic magnitude of last year’s Covid-19 pandemic. To best recreate this experience for visitors, we have made the following changes:

• When visitors arrive, please remind them of safe social distance practices. Encourage them to go home.

• All mannequins throughout the museum have been fitted with historically accurate masks. This includes: WWI uniform – gas mask. Ball gown – Phantom of the Opera mask. Antebellum gown – Masque of the Red Death.

• Toilet paper has been removed from all restrooms. Visitors are encouraged to bring their own.

• Arrows on gallery floors will direct visitors through the museum, creating one-way patterns for hallways, and making each doorway either a gallery entrance or exit. The North Gallery, which has a single entrance and no exit, is effectively a trap. Staff are now required to open a window in the North Gallery at the close of each day to allow visitors to escape.

• Stock footage of anonymous hospital workers in scrubs will now play on all screens and monitors throughout the museum. The footage will be a single, three-second clip, endlessly looped. A scroll bar at the bottom of the screens will display plummeting stock prices.

• Visitors are required to wash their hands for a full 20 seconds after using the restrooms. Please follow visitors into the restrooms and time them to ensure compliance.

• All museum tours will be conducted via Zoom. The following backgrounds are approved for staff use: Palm trees.

• The Plexiglas partition that was added to the front desk last year has been preserved as a reminder of the changes to societal life during the pandemic. The Plexiglas partition is now on exhibit in a Plexiglas case. A new Plexiglas partition has been added to the front desk.

• Purell stations throughout the museum have been relabeled “Pure-Hell” stations.

• Unfortunately, the museum will not be able to display a coronavirus test swab, as they are not yet widely available.

We’re look forward to a great season in 2021. We anticipate far more museum visitors than last year, so please be prepared. With a little luck, we might reach double digits!

Sincerely,
Ray Radigan
Curator

Image by Gerhard G. from Pixabay